


Someone To Look Up To

by Reikukaja



Series: Life Without the Sun (Jeankasa) [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Father Figures, Fluff, POV Jean Kirstein, Parenthood, jeankasa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 10:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14235726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reikukaja/pseuds/Reikukaja
Summary: Year 861.Jean takes Mikasa's son to Trost for a day at her suggestion. He uses the trip as an opportunity to teach the boy about his father: Eren Jaeger.





	Someone To Look Up To

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday Jeanbo!!! (2018/04/07)

"Are we there yet?" Deron asked impatiently from where he sat astride the saddle directly in front of Jean.  

"We don't have too much further to go," Jean assured him. "I promise."  

He was telling the truth. They could already see Wall Rose rising in the distance as they rode north. It wouldn't be much longer now at all.  

"I'm hungry," Deron moaned a few minutes later.  

"We packed plenty of snacks," Jean reminded him, as he rummaged through the saddle bags with his free arm. He retrieved a sandwich, unwrapped it, and passed it to the small boy in front of him.  

Deron ate enthusiastically, devouring the whole thing in a matter of minutes. He managed to get crumbs all over himself in the process. Jean handed him a water canteen and he drank thirstily to wash it all down.  

"Ahhh," Deron sighed after eating and drinking his fill. "That hit the spot!" 

Jean chuckled at the boy's use of the phrase. He had only learned it a few weeks ago.  

 

They had just finished dinner one night. It was just the three of them: Mikasa, Deron, and Jean. Mikasa didn't cook often but she decided she wanted to try making something new that night. She made some casserole thing that she said Eren's mom had tried teaching her, but she wasn't confident that she remembered the recipe correctly. Jean loved when Mikasa cooked, and whatever it was that she made that night was amazing.  

"You should make this more often, Mikasa. That really hit the spot!"  

Deron furrowed his eyebrows upon hearing that, the way that children do when they don't understand something an adult says.  

"What spot did it hit?" he asked, looking at Jean with eyes full of worry.  

"Oh," Jean scratched his head. "That's something you say when you've finished eating something that tasted really good."  

"So nothing really hits you?"  

"Nope!" Jean smiled at him reassuringly. "I just really liked the food your mom made tonight!"  

Deron let out an exaggerated sigh of relief, and then turned to look at Mikasa.  

"Mom... that really hit the spot!" He grinned proudly at his use of the new phrase. 

Mikasa and Jean both burst into laughter at his enthusiasm. It was always like this when he learned something new. It seemed to happen all the time now. He was growing fast and learning new things all the time. 

Deron had used the saying often in the weeks that had passed since then.  

 

The gate to Trost had been rebuilt years ago. It didn't look the same as it did before the attack of 850, but all evidence of the attack was gone. Unless someone was around at that time, it would be easy to assume that there had never been an attack at all.   

That was over ten years ago, Jean had to remind himself - ten years since Eren Jaeger used his newly-discovered titan power to save the people of Trost District.  

Jean has been such an idiot back then, so arrogant and hotheaded. Marco was always trying to talk him down and make him see reason.  

Marco would have done well in this new world that the people of the walls had made for themselves in the years after the war. Jean still missed him. He doubted that the feeling of loss would ever really go away. Returning to Trost brought back all sorts of feelings.  

Mikasa hadn't been back to Trost in such a long time. Jean had a feeling she would have wanted to come with them this time, but she was in no condition to travel so far. In only a few short weeks, she would be giving birth to their baby.  

 _Their baby._  

 _Holy shit._  

Jean had loved Deron like a son for years now. It made no difference to him that he was actually Eren's. He loved him, and that was all there was to it. He would give his own life at a moment's notice if it meant keeping Deron safe. Deron or Mikasa.  

This new baby though... it wasn't as if it was different, but it wasn't the same either.  

Deron was two when Eren died. Eren was alive and healthy when his son was born. The kid was already several months old the first time Jean laid eyes on him, and a toddler by the time he stepped in to help Mikasa take care of him. The idea of actually having a baby filled Jean with so many emotions that just thinking about it made him feel like he was going to be sick.  

It wasn't a bad feeling, really. Jean was more excited than anything else. Somehow, he and Mikasa had wound up together. He'd given up on that years ago, honestly. Living with her was never about romance or anything. He just wanted to be there for her, to help her. They had been through a ton together, as comrades and friends.  

Somehow, she loved him now. He knew it wasn't the same kind of love she had for Eren, but that was okay. Despite the differences, he knew she meant it whenever she told him. It still gave him crazy butterflies in his stomach to think about. Mikasa loved him. The two of them were bringing a new life into the world – the new world that they have both helped build.  

Beyond that feeling of wonder and excitement, Jean was scared shitless. This was going to be a  _baby,_ a helpless infant... and it was  _his_. He had missed out on those years with Deron, and it terrified him to consider that he might screw something up. He was going to have no idea what he was doing.  

There was also the fear that something would happen to Mikasa. She was the strongest, toughest woman he had ever met, but she wasn't invincible. Childbirth was dangerous. The doctor who had been checking in on them insisted that everything was normal, and that in all likelihood the delivery would go smoothly. That didn't soothe Jean's nerves though. He had basically accepted that he was going to be a nervous wreck until his kid was born. Mikasa thought his nervousness was cute. He has that going for him at least.  

It was Mikasa who suggested that Jean take Deron to Trost for a day. "It'll do you some good to see your mom again," she insisted while smiling at him. He loved that smile. "And you know how much she loves seeing Deron."  

She had a good point. Jean's mom loved seeing Deron and spoiling him. Sasha was staying with Mikasa in his absence, and that gave him some peace of mind.  

 

That's how they wound up here, in Trost. They took the horse to the stables, and Jean paid the stable boy the fee for taking care of the horse overnight. He was happy to be walking on his own two legs again, and Deron seemed to feel the same way. There would still be sunlight for a couple more hours, and Jean had something he wanted to show Deron before taking him to his mom's house. He didn't know exactly where it was, but he knew it wouldn't be too far from the gate.  

Living out in the country as they did, Deron always got a kick out of coming to the city. There was so much going on – so many people and sights and sounds. Someday they would take him to the capital. Trost was tiny compared to Mitras. He knew seeing the royal palace would blow the kid's mind.  

The walked down several streets, and many people shouted hellos to Jean as he passed. This place had been his home for most of his youth, and he had spent a lot of time here as a soldier. There would always be people here who remembered him. Trost may not be his home any longer, but it would always be his first home. 

They didn't walk long before Jean caught sight of what he was looking for, off in the distance. It was big, so he knew it wouldn't be hard to find.  

When the Trost gate had been repaired, an effort was made to move the boulder that Eren had placed in front of the hole that was created in the attack on Trost in 850. Armin was the one who moved it, using the Colossal Titan power that he had inherited from the very same person who put the hole in the wall in the first place.  

 _Armin..._  

Jean wondered what Armin was up to. He hadn't been seen since Eren's death. He seemed to have struck out on his own. Nobody knew where he went, but Jean imagined that Armin was finally seeing the world. Jean was angry about it at first, but he couldn't really blame him. He watched Eren die of the Curse of Ymir... and he had to have known he was seeing what would eventually happen to him too.  

 

Jean held Deron's hand as the two of them approached the boulder. It rested against the wall now, several blocks away from where it had originally been placed by Eren. At the base of the boulder, a sculptor had carved the likeness of the Attack Titan, as it had appeared that day in 850. It was not to scale, and the carving was only about twice Jean's height. Despite the difference in size, they had done a good job in accurately capturing the appearance of the titan.  

Underneath the carving, there rested an engraved plaque.  

 _May this boulder stand as a testament to our first victory against the_ _titan_ _s._  

 _Eren Jaeger – the Attack Titan – Savior of Trost District – Hero of Humanity._   

Jean wished that someone had carved Eren's human likeness into the boulder as well, but this would do well enough.  

"That's a huge rock!" Deron said in awe, staring up at the immensity of the boulder with wide eyes.  

"It is," Jean agreed.  

"What's that monster?" Deron asked. "Is that a titan?"  

Deron was only vaguely aware of the titans, and what they were. The more gruesome details were not suited for children his age, but Jean and Mikasa had given him a simplified version of the truth. The titans had been giant human-looking monsters, they told him. The roamed the land outside the three walls that encircled most of their island country. For over a hundred years the walls protected the people within them from the titans that lived outside of them. That was enough for the time being. A child didn't need to know that those titans had eaten people alive, or that they were actually humans who had had their lives stripped from them so that they could be turned into monsters. 

"That is a titan," Jean told him. "But that's no monster."  

"Wha?" The boy asked, confused.  

"Years before you were born, this city was attacked by titans," Jean explained. "But this titan was different."  

He paused here, trying to figure out exactly how to best explain this story to a child.  

"Until then, we thought all titans were bad," he continued. "This titan actually helped to save the city during that attack... we later learned that this titan was special... that it had a special name: the Attack Titan."  

"It looks scary," Deron said quietly.  

"All titans looked scary," Jean laughed. "Even the good ones looked like monsters."  

"Why was the Attack Titan different?"  

"It's a bit of a long story..." Jean scratched his head.  "We learned that some titans could be controlled by people – like you or me. The Attack Titan was one of those." 

"What?!? There was a person controlling that thing??"  

"Yeah," Jean told him. "That person was your dad."  

"My dad??" Deron's face twisted in confusion. "But you're my dad."  

Jean had known this was coming, and that it would be difficult to explain.  

"Sure, I can be your dad if you want me to be," he started, while smiling warmly at the boy he had come to love like a son. "But I'm not your father... I am not the person who helped your mom make you."  

"So... I'm made up of half mom.... and half this person?" he asked, pointing at the carving in the boulder. He looked a bit disturbed at the thought.  

"Yeah," Jean nodded. "His name was Eren... but he looked different in his human form. He didn't look like his titan really at all."  

"Eren...What did he look like?" Deron asked, while staring up at the intimidating likeness of the Attack Titan.  

"He looked just like you," Jean replied fondly.  

"Just like me?? But I thought I was half-mom too."  

"Well yeah," Jean agreed. "You have your mom's hair... and her cheeks." He softly placed his hand on Deron's head and mussed up his nearly-black hair.  He wondered if the new baby would also be dark haired...if the child would look like him, or more like Mikasa. He hoped it would be the latter. 

"Stopppp," Deron groaned, squinting. They both laughed. 

As the laughter died down, Deron looked at Jean with a more serious expression.  

"What happened to him?" he asked. 

"He died..." Jean answered. "When you were still really small."  

"Oh..." Deron looked back up at the carving, sadly.  

"He loved you though," Jean elaborated. "He would have done anything for you or your mom... " 

A moment of silence passed between them as they both stared up at the Attack Titan.   

"You know," Jean continued. "Your father was the one who picked your name." Jean recalled Mikasa telling him the story. She had told him how surprised she was when Eren broached the topic of a name for their then-unborn child. She hadn't expected him to think of one on his own, but she loved what Eren had come up with.  

"Your name means  _freedom_ ," Jean told Deron. "That was your father's purpose in life. He sought freedom for himself but also for everyone else. He is the reason people can live outside the walls now."  

"I like my name," Deron said simply.  

"Me too," Jean smiled. "It fits you."  

The boy smiled at Jean then, and the smile filled him with warmth. How was it possible to love this kid so damn much?  

"Was he your friend?" Deron asked, as the sun began to set.  

"He was one of the best friends I ever had," Jean told him. "He's the reason I am who I am today."  

"He sounds like he was a good person."  

"He was," Jean had so many fond memories of Eren. They hadn't always gotten along, but in the end it was hard for Jean to think of anyone he had admired more than him. "He was the best of us."  

 

The two of them left the boulder before it got too dark, and Jean carried Deron on his shoulders the rest of his way to his mother's house. Her house was located in a part of town that had remained mostly untouched after the battle in 850. He was thankful for that bit of luck every single day. He wasn't sure he would ever be able to forgive himself if something had happened to his mom that day. He had been so unappreciative of her as a teenager, but now as an adult he knew how lucky he was. She was a great mom. She was an even better grandmother.  

 

"Do you know if I'm going to get a little brother or sister?" Deron asked the question after they had walked for a couple minutes.  

"Nope," Jean answered. "We have no way of knowing until they're born."  

"Hmm," Deron pondered, folding his arms on top of Jean's head. "I hope I get a little brother."  

"Why do you say that?" 

"Idunno," Deron responded. "It'd be fun to teach a little brother to climb trees and do other boy things."  

"Girls can climb trees too you know," Jean corrected him. 

"I'd be afraid of hurting a little sister," Deron said as if it was obvious.  

"That's silly. Your mom's a girl and she's the toughest person I've ever met." 

"Really??" 

"Definitely." 

 

Jean lifted Deron off his shoulders and set him on his own two feet before they knocked on the door of the familiar house that Jean remembered from his childhood. The air outside still smelled the same as he remembered it.  

When the door opened, Jean and Deron were both met with a flurry of excitement.  

"Jeanbo!!!!" his mother exclaimed loudly, hugging him and standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.  "I was getting worried that you had decided not to visit today, or that I remembered the wrong day from your letter!"  

She didn't wait for him to respond before turning her attention to Deron. "Deron!! You're getting so big!!!!" She pulled him into her and squeezed him tight. The boy blushed and laughed at the attention.  

"Sorry we're late," Jean told her, laughing at Deron's embarrassment.  

"It's no trouble at all," she said gleefully. "Dinner was ready about an hour ago, but it's still warm."  

"Dinner!!!!" Deron yelled excitedly and ran into the house.  

Jean's mom turned to look at him one more time. "I'm so glad you came to visit, I missed you Jean."  

"I missed you too, Mom." He wished he could express to her how much he meant it, and hugged her tightly one more time before they followed Deron into the kitchen for some dinner.  

 

Deron fell asleep on the couch shortly after dinner, exhausted from the day of traveling. Jean carried him into his old room and tucked him in for the night before returning to the kitchen to have some tea and talk with his mom.  

 

"I'll do my best to visit in a couple months," his mother told him. "I am so excited to meet my new grandchild!" She was so giddy at the thought of having a second kid to spoil whenever she could. "Please write to me as soon as the baby is born, so I know that everyone is safe." 

"Of course I will," Jean agreed.  

"Are you excited?" she asked him. 

"Yeah," he responded quietly, feeling that nauseous sensation wash over him again at the thought of it. "I'm more nervous than anything else though."  

Upon hearing him say this, his mother chuckled into her teacup.  

"Why would you be nervous?" Despite her laughter, he still felt warmth in her words. 

"I'm afraid I will suck at being a dad... or that I will mess up somehow..." Jean stared into his own cup, embarrassed.   

"Oh Jeanbo," she continued laughing softly. "You are already a great dad. Just look at Deron. You and Mikasa have done such a great job with him. He's so much better behaved than you were at his age." 

In that moment, she looked at Jean with nothing but love and adoration in her eyes.  

"I am so proud of you, Jean. I know you will do great." 

 


End file.
